I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
