Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
