Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
