are you still at the devil's house?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
