Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
