Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize