checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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