somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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