i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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