I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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