One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Im part way to drunk.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
