woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
