Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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