I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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