SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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