i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
