ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He felt like a one man threesome
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
