the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
