I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
