Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
