i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
