Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
