nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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