Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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