i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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