Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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