Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
