i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
