:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
