Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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