I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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