So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
