1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
