I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
