Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
