Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
