You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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