Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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