Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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