life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
