Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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