My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
