So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize