I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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