sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
