He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
