She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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