There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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