ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
