Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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