at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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