Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
