i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
