he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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