how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
