I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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