seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
