I'm gonna have a badass scar
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
