coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize