if you like me you must not know who I am
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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