I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize