I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
