Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
