Capitaan dildo arrescate!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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