Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
two words...techno handjob
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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