I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
