The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
