Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
