He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You are a genius and a whore.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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