I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
